Yesterday’s trip was the most eye opening experience I’d ever had working with plant medicines. It was a hugely emotional day lived in a state of total bliss.
I’d been awake since 3am as I was still struggling with jet lag. Unable to sleep in the nights due to sleeping too much in the day, following Monday’s energy sapping ceremony. By the time we got to the retreat centre at 10am I was starting to get hungry, but at least my stomach was more settled than Monday.
Simon talked for a while again before we drank. He spoke of the intention we should have when we drink. The fact that shamans smoke these strong mapacho until they’re 90 years old and don’t even know what cancer is, because they smoke with the right intention. Aside from the fact mapacho are chemical free, they don’t believe they’re taking anything bad into their body and there is, therefore, no bad energy being created.
He carried on to talk about the power of our thoughts. If we believe we’re suffering, then we will suffer. The negative energy we create from these thoughts is the real illness. This hit me hard. Whilst I had worked hard to understand my pain and heal myself, perhaps now it was time to move on. The more I thought about it, the more it existed.
I, once again, said my name however this time my word was healing. He poured a full cup again. I held the glass of medicine near to my heart, shut my eyes and said let’s get rid of this pain once and for all. I wanted to connect with my power. Whilst my intention was healing myself, what actually transpired was a decision to prioritise healing others.
Once I’d drunk the medicine, I took myself to the far corner of the garden which was less busy. A quiet place for reflection. The trip started fantastically. It was a glorious day yesterday and I laid in the sun, under the trees and next to the plants. Bees were buzzing. Hummingbirds we’re constantly arriving to feed off the plants and I fell into a state of euphoria.
Watching the branches of the trees sway above me and the clouds drift through the sky, my breathing naturally became very slow. I’d inhale slowly for 3 seconds, pause momentarily before exhaling for 4 seconds. Wait 2 seconds then repeat the cycle. I could feel the air filling up my stomach, flowing into my chest and was even able to draw it into other parts of my body. In Arkana, Weronka had explained that breathing into your left shoulder promotes self compassion. I was not only able to do this with ease but I started breathing into different areas. First my right shoulder. Then focusing on my solar plexus. I felt like I had complete control and I became utterly relaxed.
Prior to drinking, we had spoke a lot about connecting with the divine, something that started to make sense in my mind. As I lay on my back, I bent my knees and let them fall to the side. My feet joined at the soles. My hands alternated between being palms down on the grass then switching to palms up to the sky using my elbows as support. I realised that all religions and ancient cultures, however distorted and laden with rules their teachings had become, were all based on this connection to the divine.
At this point, one of the facilitators, Chris, said he was ready to do the alignment work I’d requested earlier. I lay down on a mat in the moloca and he got to work. After 5 minutes of preparation that I didn’t entirely understand, he asked me to shut my eyes and be in a receptive mood. The following 15 minutes were pretty powerful. He moved shakra stones around my body and when he felt a powerful energy, he would pull the bad energy out with the stone, rub my forehead and that area immediately felt lighter. Whilst I had my eyes shut, I was having visions of the world of energies, the 4th dimension. At one point, I saw Chris within this realm, running around placing stones around my body. By the time he had worked down to my naval, my pelvis was twitching again. He said there was still a lot of tension there. By the time he had finished, I felt like he’d just blasted me into outer space.
After returning to my corner of tranquility, I decided to sit in the garden chair next to me whilst I smoked a mapacho. I’d never felt so relaxed. Semi slouched in the chair, knees spread apart with my feet stretched out, I propped up my left elbow on the arm rest with my hand up in the air holding the mapacho. At this point Simon walked by smiling and said:
“Now there’s a man with true wisdom. Commotion all around him and sat like Buddha in true stillness.”
I smiled at him without moving an inch and, only at that point, realised there were builders working away next to me. They were digging a huge trench for drainage. Wheelbarrows of dirt were being taken away before they would return. Diggers were shovelling the mud out of the hole in the ground whilst they chatted away. I had no idea they had been there the whole time. I’d achieved total stillness and focus.
Not only buoyed by my complete concentration, but also Simon’s comments, I felt a sense of confidence and power rush through my body. I felt electric.
I lay back down on the grass. My elbows once again held my hands up in the air, my palms were open and facing up to the sky. I began saying “I am the light. Give me however much you want and I will give you everything I can”
This continued for about 15 minutes until gradually a white light started appearing in my 3rd eye. What started as a faint light increased in intensity until I started feeling my whole body glow with pure light. Pure power.
My dad used to have a patient called Ann Tasker. A lovely lady who claimed she was a psychic and that she could communicate with the spirit world. She used to walk into my dad’s room in the surgery and would always say he had two spirits standing behind him, one of which was a Native American chief.
Yesterday, as the light filled up my body, a Native American chief appeared to the right of my field of vision. I knew instantly who he was. He had such a deep, calm voice that made me feel so secure when he said:
“I’m glad you have found your way here, my son”
He went on to explain that he had looked over our family for many years and would continue to for many more. We were all his children. I was absolutely blown away. He must have been some sort of ancient ancestor.
Following this vision, I lived through one of the most emotional experiences of my life which had me in floods of tears for almost an hour.
Out of nowhere my grandparents, on my dad’s side, appeared. Babagee cane running towards me. He lunged at me frantically and started pulling at my stomach. He was trying to pull pain out of me. My grandma, Aiya, was trying to pull him back so she could try, but he brushed her off and lunged at me again, this time throwing his arms around my neck and hugging me. He kept saying “shabush, beta”, which means it’s ok my child. He was so distressed by this pain inside of me. I noticed that some sort of spirit was wrapped around his ankles trying to pull him off me, but he just kept fighting to run back and hug me. Then Nana and Grampy, my mum’s parents appeared. My nana, like babagee, lunged at me and tried to do the same. She too kept getting pulled away. I remember Grampy saying “Now, now Maggie, it’s time to go”
I was in floods of tears by this stage and was asking the Native American why they were being pulled away. He explained that it was their time to leave this realm. “How come you get to stay and they have to go?” I asked. He replied by saying he had been given special permission by the universe to watch over our family but my grandparents had to return to the light.
Something in these words resonated within my mind. I came back to the light, back to my power, and started repeating the words “I am the light. I am the light” I felt an extraordinary power enter my body and I felt such strength. In my vision, I raised my hand to the Native American chief and said “Please stop for one moment” I stood up and walked towards my grandparents and explained that I had now found the light. They didn’t need to worry about me anymore and they needed to return to where they belonged. We said some emotional goodbyes which made the tears flow even more. I explained I loved them and that I was so grateful to them for delivering my parents unto this earth.
My nana was last. She was in floods of tears and kept saying in her sweet Welsh accent “You will tell your mother I’m sorry, won’t you? I never knew how to love her, but I did love her. I loved her so much. You will tell her, won’t you?” The emotion was overwhelming and more than anything I’d experienced in my lifetime. Whilst in reality, tears were pouring down my face, in my vision, I was calm. Assured. Projecting strength and light. As soon as the goodbyes came to an end, they turned, held their heads high, and each couple walked hand in hand towards the light until they disappeared.
As soon as they were gone my parents appeared. My dad was his 30yr old self however my mother was old and withered, wearing a black head scarf. My dad lunged at my stomach and, he too, tried to pull my pain out. I stopped them in their tracks and repeated what I’d said to my grandparents. My dad knelt down by my side, leaned in and whilst stroking my head, whispered “I’m so sorry son. I feel like I missed your life. But don’t ever think I didn’t love you. You’re my baby boy. I’ve always struggled to express my emotions but I love you more than life itself”
“It’s ok” I replied “I know. I love you too”
My mother then threw her arms around my neck, smothering me with kisses. She was crying hysterically. She must have told me that she loved me about 50 times before pausing and saying “You will tell Haider I’m sorry won’t you. I never meant to hurt him. I was never taught how to love and, whilst I love you all more than life, sometimes there was a darkness that stopped it coming through”
Again, I explained to my mother that I understood and that I loved her too. I promised to relay her message to my brother, Haider. I explained that I was the light now and that they need not worry. As the Chief lead them away, my mother was struggling, shouting back over her shoulder “You will tell him that I’m sorry, won’t you? Tell him I love him, will you?” It was like both my nana and my mother were caught under a spell. Their spirits were saying things that their physical forms never allowed them to. I thanked my mum for bringing me into this world before they disappeared.
Part of me, due to the emotional intensity of proceedings, was hoping that this was the end. It was not the end. It was the start of a life changing moment and one that provided me with a new found wisdom.
My brothers entered the picture. At first I saw my eldest brother, Saleem, however he was stuck in a loop. Like a video that was glitching. He was sat cross legged but his head kept jolting to the side. He couldn’t get out of this mental loop. It became clear that his desire for intellectual superiority had caused some sort of blockage in one of the chakras around his head. He seemed unable to break free from this and was living in his head.
Next my brother, Tariq, appeared. He was bloated and resembled a puffer fish. So full of negative energy, pain and frustration that he was floating in the air like a blimp. I wanted to help them so badly but didn’t know how.
Finally my 2nd eldest brother, Haider, appeared. He had little wings and was buzzing around us all trying to protect us. Trying to hold everything together. As he became larger in my view, he looked so tired. Exhausted from trying to be everyone’s guardian. Suddenly he coughed, spluttered and, as his wings stopped flapping, he fell into my arms. Absolutely spent. I held him in my arms for a period of time explaining how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him, before I kissed him on the head. I explained that he no longer had to carry this burden as I was the light, and was now looking over him. His eyes opened, his wings started flapping again and he flew away.
As Simon walked by, I tried to stop him but could barely speak through the tears. I explained that 2 of my brothers looked like they were suffering. I told him that I felt so full of light and wanted to help them but didn’t know whether this was just the trip.
I composed myself, looked him in the eye and asked “Do I really have the power to…?”
Before I could finish my sentence, he replied “distance heal them? Of course. Meet me in the moloca”
Now in the moloca, I knelt down on the mat with Simon perched to my right. He had arranged 7 chakra stones in a vertical line with a candle sitting above the crown chakra. He asked me to write my brothers’ names down on a piece of paper.
I then opened my left hand so my palm was facing the ceiling. Right hand was open with palm facing outwards in front of me.
I started with Saleem. Simon told me to stare at the flame until I saw his face. Once I saw it, I held my hand over the flame briefly before running my hand over the chakra stones. I didn’t feel much so kept repeating this process until the 7th time I felt an energy from the 3rd eye chakra. I made a fist to pull this energy out, held it up to the sky, opened my palm and blew this energy away. Palm still open, I imagined a light. I made a fist of light and brought it back down over the stones to replace the darkness.
I ticked him off and repeated this process with Tariq. Every stone seemed like it carried a negative energy. I let it go and replaced it with light. I ticked him off the list.
In my vision, whilst Haider looked tired, I had not thought that he needed my help. I said his name out aloud and whilst imagining his face in the flame, Simon started talking about him. “He is a happy man, the joker in the pack, no? He’s been carrying this strain too long. Set him free”
As I touched the flame and ran my hands over the stones, I felt this intense energy coming from the heart chakra. My hand had turned into a claw shape and started trembling uncontrollably. As I tried to make a fist, it felt like I was pulling weeds out of the ground. There was resistance. Eventually I made a fist and let it go to the universe, replacing it with light. As my hand hovered over the stones, Simon said to tell him what’s in my heart. Trying to hold back bursting into hysterics at this point, I told him I loved him. “No not that” he said “tell him what’s in your heart right now. I can feel it in there. You know what you need to tell him”
I stopped crying suddenly and said calmly “worry no more brother. You have 2 very powerful spirits watching over you now”
I clapped my hands to release all the energy from me and felt light. Simon was telling me that I’d done a great thing. This was all that I could do and now it’s up to them and the universe. He said my brothers would feel different in the morning.
To finish the healing ceremony, I took the paper outside, laid it in the grass and set fire to it. As the smoke and ashes rose up to the sky, I said a prayer. May this light reach my brothers. May the universe look after them. May their troubles now be gone.
As the paper stopped burning, I stood up. Totally composed as if I had not been crying for the last hour. Walked over and started chatting with some other members of the group as if nothing had even happened.
The day continued on in bliss. I felt at peace whilst simultaneously being blown away each time I reflected on the day’s proceedings. There is a true power that sits within the light. One that is limitless in its use.
Now it is up to me to decide how I wish to use this and, if so, how I plan to keep it. Connection takes dedication in all aspects. Diet. Practice. Belief.
If I choose to pursue this, the possibilities are endless. Let’s see where this can take me.